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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

REPORT ON PETRICK’S TRAFFIC ACCIDENT

Yesterday morning, at 9:42am, Steven P. Petrick was driving north on Western Avenue in Amarillo, having just picked up the company’s mail. While he varies his route every morning, he has to stop at the Post Office, giving a one-block zone through which he always passes. This proved a near-fatal breach of security, and it is now being arranged for Steven P. Petrick to pick up the mail at a different Post Office each day.
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A green Mercedes S-class sedan, driven by Abdulla O’Malley, listed on the "No Fly List" as a known member of the Tamil LTTE terrorist group from Sri Lanka, pulled out from a stop sign just past the Post Office and attempted to ram Steven P. Petrick’s 1972 Honda Accord. Deftly maneuvering to avoid the onrushing juggernaut, Steven P. Petrick avoided being struck directly. The Mercedes grazed past the front of Steven P. Petrick’s Honda, tearing open the side of the Mercedes and damaging the left turn signal of the Honda. The impact, however, was enough to detonate the shaped-charge warhead mounted in the grillwork of the Mercedes, and the molten copper "flame dart" blasted into Western Street, striking a government vehicle driven by an IRS Health Care Enforcement Agent, destroying it completely. A later investigation showed that Abdulla O’Malley had rented the Mercedes at the Amarillo Rick Husband International Airport after arriving there on Dubai Jazeera Airlines earlier this morning.
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Steven P. Petrick stepped from his car, reaching for his wallet and driver’s license. Abdulla O’Malley leapt from the Mercedes with an RPG-18 rocket launcher, extending the tube and firing it at Steven P. Petrick. While the rocket missed Steven P. Petrick (causing burns to his shirt collar) it went on, striking a government vehicle from the Acorn Census Bureau, destroying it completely. Abdulla O’Malley then drew an AKR compact assault rifle from the back seat, and made as if to fire this at Steven P. Petrick, who deftly threw his wallet like a frisbee into Abdulla O’Malley’s face, startling him and causing him to drop the rifle.
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Petrick drew his .45acp Colt Model 1911 from his shoulder holster, intending to defend himself. Noting the considerable number of civilians in the area, Petrick instead advanced on Abdulla O’Malley and struck him over the head with the weapon, earning the NATO Courageous Combat Restraint Medal for risking his life to avoid causing civilian casualties.
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Police arrived on the scene, issued a traffic citation to Abdulla O’Malley for causing three accidents, and directed him to report to traffic court on Thursday. They were unable to arrest him because Texas, unlike Arizona, has no law allowing local police to arrest someone who was on the No Fly List or who committed a terrorist act while in the country on a tourist visa.