Valentine's Day Advice
Steve Cole, successfully married for 33 years, makes a few comments about picking the right gift.
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The number one rule is to PAY ATTENTION during the period between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day. She'll give you a few hints (consciously or unconsciously). You can always just give up and ask, if you're desperate. While getting the perfect gift without asking is preferable, getting the wrong gift is a Very Bad Thing (tm). You can also fish for hints. Look at the ads in the newspaper for clothing and other gifts. Try pointing out something to her (randomly if you really have no clue) and saying "I think you'd look great wearing that." If she really doesn't want what you point out, she will say "Nah, that's not my style, and I don't go places where women wear that sort of thing." If she's nice (or playing the game) she might note some other items on that page and make various comments, good or bad about them. Listen carefully and she will let you know if there is anything on that page she'd actually like or maybe she'll point you in the right direction.
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My father always said: "Never buy a woman a present that involves work; buy her girl stuff; buy her something she'd enjoy." So, a new blender is out of the question. (If the current blender burns out, replacing it is just household maintenance.) Now, if she uses the blender a LOT making herself fruit smoothies, then getting a newer, better, fancier blender might work as a present. Buying a new set of pots and pans is "work stuff" unless she is REALLY into the "joy of cooking" in which case a fancy set of gourmet cookware that she'd never spend the money for herself might work, but that could be one of those things where you take her to the store and say "I was planning to buy these Gordon Ramsay saucepans for you, but frankly, this is too important, and I really want you to have exactly what you want. If you want it, you can have it today. If this isn't it, tell me what is, and it's yours, right now."
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The point of a present is to either buy her something she really wants, or (risky!) something that she would buy for herself if she thought she could afford it. Obviously, do not buy five pounds of chocolates for a woman trying to lose weight. If you are buying candy, go for the high-end stuff that she would never, ever buy for herself. And if she is seriously trying to lose weight, buying her new clothes may be a waste of money as they won't fit in a few months.
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Buying her fancy underwear and nightgowns is a traditional gift, and usually a mistake. (Contrary to myth, nightgowns aren't for us guys. We don't need them to get fired up. She needs them to feel sexy, but they need to be what makes HER feel sexy.) Get her a gift certificate and tell her to "buy yourself something you'd enjoy wearing." There can be a time for risk-taking. For one birthday, I wanted to get Leanna something intimate, but I knew that fit was always a problem for women. I actually got one she wears all the time out of her closet, put it in a bag, took it to the store, and begged a female clerk to take pity on me and find me a purple one of the same brand, style, and size. Score! (If you don't know her favorite color, you already blew it, so go with a gift certificate.)
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In an abstract sense, women would rather get jewelry than flowers or chocolate. It has lasting value (and she can always sell it after dumping you). However, once she has reached a certain age, her jewelry box may well be overflowing, and more jewelry may be nothing more than clutter. This is something to discuss with her long before it's time to buy something. Some women never stop collecting jewelry. Some have completed their collection with just the right stuff and really do not want any more.
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A gift is just part of the trifecta. The package includes a present, a nice dinner out, AND flowers. Over time, work up a tradition that improves the odds of success and lowers your workload. You may have a woman who wants to be surprised, but most would rather be happy. (It may well be surprise enough that you remembered at all.) Instead of surprising her with dinner at a place you pick, mention "I need to make Valentine's reservations. Are you in the mood for Alfredo's or Francois's this year?" and let her pick. For all you know, she had a bad experience at Fernando's on her last night out with the girls and absolutely does not want to go back there. In my case, I am lucky to have a very practical woman. I take her to a store that has a "build a custom bouquet desk", give her money from my personal account (if it comes from the family account, it feels like she's paying for her own present), and she takes delight in picking the flowers and personally directing the flower arranger to make just what she wants, and to design the bouquet in a way that exactly fits the place she's going to put it.
=
The number one rule is to PAY ATTENTION during the period between New Year's Day and Valentine's Day. She'll give you a few hints (consciously or unconsciously). You can always just give up and ask, if you're desperate. While getting the perfect gift without asking is preferable, getting the wrong gift is a Very Bad Thing (tm). You can also fish for hints. Look at the ads in the newspaper for clothing and other gifts. Try pointing out something to her (randomly if you really have no clue) and saying "I think you'd look great wearing that." If she really doesn't want what you point out, she will say "Nah, that's not my style, and I don't go places where women wear that sort of thing." If she's nice (or playing the game) she might note some other items on that page and make various comments, good or bad about them. Listen carefully and she will let you know if there is anything on that page she'd actually like or maybe she'll point you in the right direction.
=
My father always said: "Never buy a woman a present that involves work; buy her girl stuff; buy her something she'd enjoy." So, a new blender is out of the question. (If the current blender burns out, replacing it is just household maintenance.) Now, if she uses the blender a LOT making herself fruit smoothies, then getting a newer, better, fancier blender might work as a present. Buying a new set of pots and pans is "work stuff" unless she is REALLY into the "joy of cooking" in which case a fancy set of gourmet cookware that she'd never spend the money for herself might work, but that could be one of those things where you take her to the store and say "I was planning to buy these Gordon Ramsay saucepans for you, but frankly, this is too important, and I really want you to have exactly what you want. If you want it, you can have it today. If this isn't it, tell me what is, and it's yours, right now."
=
The point of a present is to either buy her something she really wants, or (risky!) something that she would buy for herself if she thought she could afford it. Obviously, do not buy five pounds of chocolates for a woman trying to lose weight. If you are buying candy, go for the high-end stuff that she would never, ever buy for herself. And if she is seriously trying to lose weight, buying her new clothes may be a waste of money as they won't fit in a few months.
=
Buying her fancy underwear and nightgowns is a traditional gift, and usually a mistake. (Contrary to myth, nightgowns aren't for us guys. We don't need them to get fired up. She needs them to feel sexy, but they need to be what makes HER feel sexy.) Get her a gift certificate and tell her to "buy yourself something you'd enjoy wearing." There can be a time for risk-taking. For one birthday, I wanted to get Leanna something intimate, but I knew that fit was always a problem for women. I actually got one she wears all the time out of her closet, put it in a bag, took it to the store, and begged a female clerk to take pity on me and find me a purple one of the same brand, style, and size. Score! (If you don't know her favorite color, you already blew it, so go with a gift certificate.)
=
In an abstract sense, women would rather get jewelry than flowers or chocolate. It has lasting value (and she can always sell it after dumping you). However, once she has reached a certain age, her jewelry box may well be overflowing, and more jewelry may be nothing more than clutter. This is something to discuss with her long before it's time to buy something. Some women never stop collecting jewelry. Some have completed their collection with just the right stuff and really do not want any more.
=
A gift is just part of the trifecta. The package includes a present, a nice dinner out, AND flowers. Over time, work up a tradition that improves the odds of success and lowers your workload. You may have a woman who wants to be surprised, but most would rather be happy. (It may well be surprise enough that you remembered at all.) Instead of surprising her with dinner at a place you pick, mention "I need to make Valentine's reservations. Are you in the mood for Alfredo's or Francois's this year?" and let her pick. For all you know, she had a bad experience at Fernando's on her last night out with the girls and absolutely does not want to go back there. In my case, I am lucky to have a very practical woman. I take her to a store that has a "build a custom bouquet desk", give her money from my personal account (if it comes from the family account, it feels like she's paying for her own present), and she takes delight in picking the flowers and personally directing the flower arranger to make just what she wants, and to design the bouquet in a way that exactly fits the place she's going to put it.
posted by Federation Commander at 7:53 AM
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