RANDOM THOUGHTS #104
Steve Cole muses: Just thinking to himself about the things he learned from Dilbert.
1. To determine which employees are in the worst health, close the parking lot closest to the building. The ones with heart conditions will just die and avoid future layoff issues.
2. When you're attending a meeting and the next few agenda items don't involve you, feel free to just lay your head on the conference table and take a nap.
3. If your lawyers cannot get done what you want, hire a physicist who will tell you (honestly) that somewhere in the multiverse what you want has already happened.
4. Incorporate your business in heaven, where there are no taxes. The Federal government cannot question your claim because of the separation of church and state.
5. If your online reviews are bad, change one minor feature (even if you make it worse) and change the model number and the bad online reviews will look stale.
6. Give your idiot boss the illusion that he is actually managing your work by randomly emailing him yes or no questions, such as "Should I rotate email addresses so they wear out evenly?"
7. If you discover that one of your products actually harms the consumer, you may have just discovered a lucrative military application.
8. If the only way to get promoted is for an older co-worker to retire, die, or quit, take action! Leave brochures for retirement homes and dangerous adventure vacations around the break room. Send the email addresses of co-workers to executive recruiters.
9. Before showing your boss the new user interface, make sure it is idiot proof.
10. If your boss says he's going to cut the fat out of the department, remind him that the fact there is any fat is his fault so he should start by firing himself.
1. To determine which employees are in the worst health, close the parking lot closest to the building. The ones with heart conditions will just die and avoid future layoff issues.
2. When you're attending a meeting and the next few agenda items don't involve you, feel free to just lay your head on the conference table and take a nap.
3. If your lawyers cannot get done what you want, hire a physicist who will tell you (honestly) that somewhere in the multiverse what you want has already happened.
4. Incorporate your business in heaven, where there are no taxes. The Federal government cannot question your claim because of the separation of church and state.
5. If your online reviews are bad, change one minor feature (even if you make it worse) and change the model number and the bad online reviews will look stale.
6. Give your idiot boss the illusion that he is actually managing your work by randomly emailing him yes or no questions, such as "Should I rotate email addresses so they wear out evenly?"
7. If you discover that one of your products actually harms the consumer, you may have just discovered a lucrative military application.
8. If the only way to get promoted is for an older co-worker to retire, die, or quit, take action! Leave brochures for retirement homes and dangerous adventure vacations around the break room. Send the email addresses of co-workers to executive recruiters.
9. Before showing your boss the new user interface, make sure it is idiot proof.
10. If your boss says he's going to cut the fat out of the department, remind him that the fact there is any fat is his fault so he should start by firing himself.
posted by Federation Commander at 10:53 PM
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